I don't like John Mayer.
There! I said it. I don't like him, you hear me?! Jesus loves him, but I think he's creepy. Now, I know a lot of you ladies are going right now to delete my blog from your Readers, but I can't live the lie. I've been keeping it quiet for far too long, and I just can't stand it any longer. Hear me out.
I really tried to like him. When I first heard him, I thought he was a nice boy from Connecticut. He played the guitar, wrote semi-intelligent lyrics and had a decent voice, but something was amiss. I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Time passed, and I sort of forgot about him. Then he did it. He guided my finger right to what was bugging me about him.
In 2001 John Mayer came out with "Your Body Is A Wonderland," and I gagged a little. Well, a lot actually. Yeah. Yeah. It's smooth, catchy, going for sexy. I get it, and it might have been alright...IF it weren't for that dreaded line: One pair of candy lips, and your bubblegum tongue.
Now, who here thinks the idea of chewing on someone's tongue is attractive? Wait. Don't tell me. Please.
My point is, I decided the guy was gross. His pouty lips got on my nerves. His "I'm so cool" shaggy rocker hair got on my nerves. The way he whisper-crooned GOT ON MY NERVES. The guy just bugged me. All I could do was picture him gnawing on some poor girl's tongue, which lead to my justified dislike of all things Mayer.
Well, imagine my surprise the other day when I see a picture of this guy.
Where the heck does he get off being attractive?! Tattoos? Some sexy-man facial hair? I mean, did he model himself after a picture of Johnny Depp/Jack Johnson? A good plan for almost any man, but not someone I've resigned myself to thinking is a schmuck. No sir.
And who looks better with a buzz cut?! I'm telling you, bloggers, the man is not normal.
Dear John Mayer,
If you're going to start out completely annoying, you need to just stay that way. Don't change somewhere in the middle, so I look like a moron for griping about your stupid lips and hair. All I'm asking for is some consistency here.
P.S. Twitter does not like you.