Sunday, December 6, 2009

Twitter Does Not Like YOU

I try to be a nice person. Really, I do. Verbally bashing people on the old blog just isn't my thing. Normally. But there are always exceptions. I'm just going to get right down to it, okay?
I don't like John Mayer.

There! I said it. I don't like him, you hear me?! Jesus loves him, but I think he's creepy. Now, I know a lot of you ladies are going right now to delete my blog from your Readers, but I can't live the lie. I've been keeping it quiet for far too long, and I just can't stand it any longer. Hear me out.

I really tried to like him. When I first heard him, I thought he was a nice boy from Connecticut. He played the guitar, wrote semi-intelligent lyrics and had a decent voice, but something was amiss. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Time passed, and I sort of forgot about him. Then he did it. He guided my finger right to what was bugging me about him.

In 2001 John Mayer came out with "Your Body Is A Wonderland," and I gagged a little. Well, a lot actually. Yeah. Yeah. It's smooth, catchy, going for sexy. I get it, and it might have been alright...IF it weren't for that dreaded line: One pair of candy lips, and your bubblegum tongue.

Now, who here thinks the idea of chewing on someone's tongue is attractive? Wait. Don't tell me. Please.

My point is, I decided the guy was gross. His pouty lips got on my nerves. His "I'm so cool" shaggy rocker hair got on my nerves. The way he whisper-crooned GOT ON MY NERVES. The guy just bugged me. All I could do was picture him gnawing on some poor girl's tongue, which lead to my justified dislike of all things Mayer.

Well, imagine my surprise the other day when I see a picture of this guy.
Where the heck does he get off being attractive?! Tattoos? Some sexy-man facial hair? I mean, did he model himself after a picture of Johnny Depp/Jack Johnson? A good plan for almost any man, but not someone I've resigned myself to thinking is a schmuck. No sir.

And who looks better with a buzz cut?! I'm telling you, bloggers, the man is not normal.

Dear John Mayer,

If you're going to start out completely annoying, you need to just stay that way. Don't change somewhere in the middle, so I look like a moron for griping about your stupid lips and hair. All I'm asking for is some consistency here.

P.S. Twitter does not like you.

9 comments:

  1. First, you've earved QOTD.

    Second, John Mayer is a total douche nozzle. I don't remember him ever writing anything that I would call 'intelligent'.

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  2. I don't like him much either. He sounds like he just woke up when he's singing.

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  3. I emphatically AGREE, on all points ;)

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  4. Yup. Agreed. Mayer sucks.

    I kinda like this- you need to start a "musicians who piss me off" tag thingy-
    Its awesome- espically because you are so nice and reserved. If you say they suck, then they REALLY must suck.

    :)

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  5. Dang I had no idea he had so many tattoos!!

    I can't stand his new song. And lol bubble gum tongue!

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  6. I agree . . . we've talked about this - but then again, what haven't we talked about?!

    Thanks to you I'm gonna imagine him blowing bubbles with some poor girls bubblegum tongue whenever I hear that song now.

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  7. Apollo- Why, thank you kind sir. I don't believe I've ever been quoted before. ^_^

    Melanie- Like I said. Whisper-crooning. It's annoying!

    HISDaughter- Thanks for the back-up.

    Mark- Thanks, Mister. I would, except I already feel bad for griping about this one. He's probably a decent person, and I'd hate to hurt his feelings. Luckily, I doubt he'll read my blog. :P

    Curious Illusion- Yeah...well, he didn't used to. I don't know when it happened, but I like it. Thus the disgruntled post. People that I decide are dorks are not allowed to get hot. I forbid it! :P

    Ari- What haven't we talked about? You know...I can't think of anything.

    Sorry I ruined it for you. I almost dribbled corn chowder when you were talking about "the one song you like" and it was the one that turned me against him. DGL.

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  8. i completely agree as well, i hate that song in particular - when it comes on i just cringe and get cold chills on my spine... augh. My husband always liked it too - said it was a nice song - [eyes rolling]... gawd!

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  9. Kelwhy- I know SO MANY PEOPLE that just adore him, but I can't do it. When I heard those words, it was over. Something died. I'm BIG on lyrics. Besides, he's a twitterholic that bad mouths twitter. Who does that?! :P

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